With so much justifiable concern about the dangerous virus that is sweeping across our Country, I, like everyone else, am sequestered at home. This leaves me alone with “the enemy within.” For some of us, the enemy within is as scary as the virus. I’ve long battled a fierce, merciless enemy within. I try to keep it “within” because I don’t want to expose friends or family to its demeaning brutality. Somethings, I just want to keep for myself.
Obviously, I am having some trouble adjusting to social distancing/shelter-in-place/stay-at-home orders. The funny thing is, that I don’t think I’m staying at home (alone) anymore than I was before this whole thing hit. This is both funny and sad. Really, I should be happy; now I have a reason for being stuck at home alone. Some how, it’s just not hitting me that way. It’s allowing the enemy within to take me down and pummel me with punches of self-pity. That’s disgusting. I am ashamed of myself (the enemy within tells me so). I think it best that I mask this self-loathing. Masks are now “strongly” recommended for individuals leaving the safety of home to buy toilet paper or wine (or something else that is crucial to have on hand during the current state of affairs). I’m thinking of wearing a mask at home, too. Maybe the enemy within will be a little easier on me if it can’t see my face.
When I sat down to write this morning, I thought I could either write about the impact of isolation, or the Rosemary bush in my backyard. I’m pretty sure I made the wrong choice, but I am committed to the whole downer isolation thing now, and I always try to honor my commitments.
My enemy within has been getting on to me about how lazy I’ve been. It goads me on with statements like, “Hey, you’ve got a backyard that needs work, and a front yard that needs work, and a house that needs work.” I whisper the cowardly reply, “But I’m retired.” I then do some work on my backyard, or my front yard or my house, but my heart’s not in it. I have a backyard, a front yard and a house. I should be happy, and I am, but… those things are best enjoyed with others.